Passover Part 1: What is All This?

For my non-Chosen-People friends out there, I'd like to take a moment to explain to you a bit about Passover.




Passover is when Jews everywhere celebrate that which the Lord did for me-- brought me (and my people) out of Egypt where they were held in slavery for a really long time after that guy with the baller coat showed up.

To get us outta that party, this guy Moses (who was sorta the Pharaoh's brother before he took his kohl and wig off-- an awkward family dinner situation) got a magic staff from God and brought down plagues (10 of them, doncha know) on Egypt to really piss everyone off.

And boy-o did it work. Especially that last bit where the Angel of Death killed every first born male in Egypt, except for the houses with blood on their doors (aka the Jews). He passed-over those.

Get it? Get it?



Then Whitney Houston showed up and sang and stuff, and 3k years later, Jews everywhere have a celebration about how we left this crappy country, got lost in the desert for 40 years, did a lot of stupid shit in the desert that got a lot of us killed by Moses (like, worse than nagging him about if we were there yet), and then got to the Promised Land.

*cough cough* whichwassortofalreadyoccupiedbypeoplewhodidn'twanttoleavesowehadtokillmadbitchesbutthatshowhistoryworks *cough* cough*

So here we are. And now we have meals, read the story over again, and eat tasteless crackers. It's actually kinda awesome.