Friday, April 9, 2010

Passover Part 2: Why is This Night Different From All Other Nights?

 So now that you know what Passover is about, here's a brief run down of what your favorite Chosen Person did last Monday and Tuesday that probably left them hung over for work on Wednesday.

 Passover is all about celebration. Every Jewish holiday can be summed up by the cliff notes of "They tried to kill us, they didn't get us all, let's eat."

And that's what we do.



You have this big honking meal featuring Matzo ball soup (soggy bread in a ball in chicken soup), and Manischewitz (what happens when Dimetapp has a one night stand with a cheap Bordeaux).

Before you can have this big honking meal, though, you have to do the Seder which is basically like having to go to Temple from the comfort of your own living room. You retell the story of Passover, and do some other stuff, and drink heavily.

Highlights of the Seder Include:
1) The Four Questions-- Where you force the youngest kid at the table who barely reads Hebrew to suddenly recite four paragraphs of the stuff and freak out in front of the whole family.

2) The Ten Plagues-- God did bad stuff to the Egyptians because they were asking for it, but we're not happy about that (except kinda) so now we spill wine from our glasses as we read out the plagues that were forced onto innocent townspeople. Now drink more!

3) Horseradish-- Because slavery sucks. Eat horseradish and make a funny face so that you too may understand the bitterness of those caught in the grip of slavery. Also known as my ancestors were kinda dicks.

4) Booze-- You have to drink four cups of wine throughout the course of the service. Tack onto this the fact that you've been drinking since 2 in the afternoon, and you get pretty vershnackered. 

5) Matzoh-- Think a Ritz cracker with no flavor, buttery coating, salt, or golden brown beauty. That's Matzoh. You eat it until it comes out of you pores.

Then you eat, then you repeat. This happens two nights in a row. So not only are you hung over on the second night, but then you lounge about all day and then get up to repeat it with a little hair of the dog and more crackers.

Wear a funny hat, stuff yourself on whatever happens to be around, and remember: If you want to eat pizza during this week, or anything else with bread in it-- you can't. Unless you pull all the shades or do it in a windowless room. Cuz God can't see through walls.

Happy Passover! Next Year in Jerusalem!

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