Children of Dune: Still Pretty Awesome

Today in Things That Are Still Awesome Even After I Graduated High School: Dune and Children of Dune.

Picture this giant friggin' desert. Arid, dry, full of a whole lotta nothing. And in this desert full of a whole lotta nothing, these giant friggin' worms go around pooping out crack.

Not just ordinary crack-- this is like Super-Crack. It makes your eyes really awesome, and gives you super powers, and if your mom uses while she's pregnant instead of getting a crack-baby, she gets a Super-Crack baby who is super brilliant, knows the future, and sees dead people (in their brain).

If you're thinking "Wow, this sounds kinda awesome. Slash cracked out," then you sir are correct! And if you're thinking "There must have been a SciFi original movie for this crap," then pick your door prize because today we are discussing Dune and Children of Dune.


Hokay, so there's this powerful little family, right? And they basically wind up on this desert planet called "Dune," which is the universe's only producer of Super-Crack. And then the hot heir to the throne is found by Dune's version of Bedouin Arabs, screws the chief's hot daughter, and becomes the messiah.

His mom then has a Super-Crack baby (don't ask) who's wins at the Creepiest Child in the Universe Contest, and is declared a Saint. Only not a "let's help the poor" saint like Theresa. A "let's stab things" saint, called St. Alia of the Knife. Who stabs things and kills people and gets called "an abomination" a lot.

The family kills the family that currently controls the planet, takes it over with the help of their religious fanatic followers, there's a voice-over, and the first movie ends. 

Fast forward ten years or so, this family has taken over the planet, has a lot of messianic holy wars, and is generally full of crazy people with a lot of money and hotness and power and a monopoly over Super-Crack that every other half-way powerful person in the universe wants to break. Messiah!boy and his hot Chieftan's!Daughter are exhausted by political intrigue and the fact that a whole lotta people want to kill them, so they decide to have babies, then die/disappear and leave these new Super-Crack babies to deal with their mess and somehow run the Family Drug Cartel/Religion.

Two of them, to be exact. Twins. Who are joined at the brain. And make out a lot. And have to deal with a whole lot of existential crises about how you can't escape the future once you know about it because this is like Doctor Who time physics as opposed to Stargate SG-1 time physics.

If you're into political intrigue and complex Machiavellian struggles that aren't quite explained enough in the movies to have them make sense, than this is your kinda duology. If not, watch it for the pretty costumes, pretty people, and pretty landscape.

And for the awesome Litagy Against Fear that will totally freak people out if you recite it in tense social situations:

"I will not fear. Fear is the mindkiller. I will face my fear, I will let it pass through me."